So, I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful Christian man for about 4 months now. Anything that I ever went through in the past with guys was worth it if it meant that it was preparing me for the man in my life now. I haven’t written on the topic in a while, because it’s taken me a while to process everything. Let’s just say that when God moves, he moves. I’ve said it and heard it over and over again that while statistics say that 75% of African American women will never marry, the Lord grants the desires of 100% of the people who serve and are submitted to Him. He doesn’t lie.

This has truly been an amazing experience. I knew this was a man after God’s heart when:

I never had to ask where is this going, because he knows the exact dates of when we met, when we became exclusive, when he plans to propose, and he even has a financial plan for us in marriage. Ladies, when this is the man God has placed before you it’s not a matter of if we get married, but when we get married. This man brings up most of the conversations about marriage, because he is a planner.

I was to too and not the you, as in he said I love you first.

I don’t open car doors or pull out my own seat in his presence. To be honest, I don’t really lift a finger. He treats me like I’m a rare jewel. As a matter of fact, he calls me that.

He’s seen my weaknesses, heard my cries, and has even been through those irritable times of the month, and he still can’t get enough of me.

He respects my limits and even has his own, so nothing goes past kissing. Ladies, I realized that the guys that in the past couldn’t handle the no sex rule, because they didn’t see themselves marrying me anytime soon. They were probably thinking that they would be dating me 3 to 5 years without sex. Lol. But see this man, knows that within a year and half it will be all his, so he’s not even sweating it. He is a man with a plan.

He knows my thoughts before I say them. When I don’t know what to do about conflicts we may experience, I go to God, and it is so evident that this man is open to God, because it’s as if God tells him the very things I desire.

We started praying together every night after we became serious. He knows my needs. It’s beautiful. We were approaching a period where we wanted to make sure that we should continue dating. We wanted to hear God clearly about one another, so we fasted. We ended up on a completely different level after the fast. We are closer to each other and to God.

My car broke down on a highway and he was right there and even said that if I couldn’t get a car I could use his and he’d find friends to get him around.

I’ve accepted his weaknesses. We communicate well, so there isn’t much conflict. We talk things out and listen to each other.

I’m growing closer to God in this relationship. God is changing and molding me. I continue to die to myself.

His family feels at peace with me, and my family feels at peace with him.

The calling God has placed in my heart to pursue ministry work is louder than ever. The same is true for him. I feel that we are going to be a great force. God is working on us, and I accept the trials that come our way, because I know what the end result will be.

He desires our relationship to be an example to others. I do too. We have similar backgrounds and are striving to be that marriage that our family tree has never seen before.

So many other great things happened in my life as were dating. He didn’t take away from the quality of my life at all.

I feel so covered and safe.

I didn’t feel like I always had to put my best foot forward. I felt so comfortable letting him see all sides of me.

Before all this happened, I had a feeling that a man was coming soon. I just had no clue who this person would be. It was a surprise, and to be honest, I wasn’t really sure what to do about it. I thank the person who told me that I better go out with this man or else I would greatly regret it. Thank you!

Hello,

It's been over a month since my last post. Things have been going very well. I suppose I've been a busy body, so finding time to stop and write something meaningful has been difficult. I am now teaching and in school. It's been a month, and I am still adjusting to everything. There's so much I need to get out of my head and on to this blog about my experiences teaching, my walk, and dating the Christian way, and I promise to do that soon. I love you!!

I would be lying if I told you that your life as a saved person will always be happy. You should always possess joy, but you will experience grief, despair, heartache, and even anger. The truth is that just like the weather, seasons in our lives change. Even Jesus had to go to the garden to be alone. However, shortly after that "season," he resurrected and went from glory to glory. I believe that the key to surviving the dry seasons is knowing that "trouble don't last always," and living as if we are in and envisioning our harvest season. We must not let dry or cold seasons block us from our birthright to be heirs to the throne.

Today, I'm in a good season. The things that I believed for last winter and spring arrived this summer. I survived the rough times by knowing that my dry seasons couldn't and wouldn't last forever, because God had things to do. It was not in His purpose for me to stay in a season of lack.

I am also cognizant of the fact that my good season isn 't going to last forever. It could change tomorrow, so I've got to arm myself with the Word and the Lord's truths to be protected from the drought when it arrives. If you are in a dry season, know that it could change tomorrow! Thank you Lord for all you've done for me. Praise is my weapon. I'll live as if the kingdom depended on me, no matter the season.

This is a Christian blog, so what I am about to say may sound different from what we are used to to hearing on finding, I mean being found by a man, and being in a healthy relationship and marriage. If he is cheating on you or abuses you, then you are not in a healthy relationship. There is no need to make it work if you are not married. The world says that 74% of African American women are single. Single includes women who are dating, but not married. However, the Word says to commit to the Lord in whatever you do, and your plans will succeed (Proverbs 16:3 NIV). It may not happen when or the way we want it to happen, but it will happen when we surrender to Him. I now know that there is a pattern to being found by a man after God’s heart

I fell in love with the Lord and gave Him my everything.

I served others more.

I forgave those who hurt me. God showed me that he wasn't going to bring a good man my way until I proved I could forgive those who hurt me the most, including my father.

I fought to get into my purpose, and took leaps of faith even when it didn't look
like the position was going to come up.

I submitted myself to the authority of Godly women who could provide sound counsel
and show me the ways of the kingdom.

I decided to crucify my my flesh, including the worry, doubt, envy, and fear.

I gave even when I didn't have to give.

I began doing things a woman in a relationship or marriage would have to do, even though I had no one.

I took time to nuture my appearance.

I kept the faith that God would grant all of the desires of my heart.


I will continue to do all of the above things for the rest of my life.
It's only after taking care of these things that the saved man we
hoped for can find us. We would mess it up if he came before then. Ladies, a man who is looking for a wife observes. He watch from afar before he makes his move. We never know who is observing us in hopes of wanting to get to know more about us. What would the men observing us say? I know these things because I've dated in the world and conceded on God's promises. Now I'm in a relationship with someone kingdom minded.

I'm still here. Vacation bible school week, work, socializing, and trying to learn as much as I can from women who are where I want to be has kept me busy. I don't mind being busy. I am open to their advice in career/purpose, love, marriage, and appearance. Ladies,it's ok to try to look attractive. Many of the women in the bible underwent months of beauty treatments before they were presented to their husbands and/or were praised for their beauty. Let's not forget that men are physical. I know a feminist reading this right now wants to talk to me =). If you want a king, you have to be a queen. I received some great make-up advice and with the help of my mentor and a friend added a few items to my wardrobe. There comes a time in all of our lives when we have to step up our game. Life is good. Life is beautiful! There's been some excitement (wink).

I received this in a foward........

Golden Rules for Finding/Keeping Your Life Partner

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love". I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love.

Though this may sound "not politically correct",there' s a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone". You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage:

(1) You can grow together, or

(2) You can grow apart


50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line. . .marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions:

- Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?

- Are they serious about improving themselves?

A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing". So ask about your Significant Other . . . What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world:

(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and........

(2) People who are dedicated to seeking comfort

Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the
people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them?

You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.

Another perspective. ...

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance .... It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention... . Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your
life. An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye". Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, pity, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't
really that important.

Do you bring out the best in each other?

Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control?

What do you bring to the relationship?

Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter them.

You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.

If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life", you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG ARE:

** Numero Uno - God - Putting God First in the relationship

1. TRUST

2. COMMUNICATION

3. INTIMACY

4. A SENSE OF HUMOR

5. SHARING TASKS

6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN

7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes,

8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS

9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE

10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain replace it.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to
finding Mr./Miss. Right!

A Must Read....

That's Enough Sin by The Sojourner

http://truthjourney.blogspot.com/

Everyone wants to touch Jesus, but who is really touching him with faith?

A Dead Girl and a Sick Woman
(Luke 8: 40-56 NIV)

40Now when Jesus returned, a crowd welcomed him, for they were all expecting him. 41Then a man named Jairus, a ruler of the synagogue, came and fell at Jesus' feet, pleading with him to come to his house 42because his only daughter, a girl of about twelve, was dying.
As Jesus was on his way, the crowds almost crushed him. 43And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years,[d] but no one could heal her. 44She came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak, and immediately her bleeding stopped.
45"Who touched me?" Jesus asked. When they all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the people are crowding and pressing against you."
46But Jesus said, "Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me."
47Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet. In the presence of all the people, she told why she had touched him and how she had been instantly healed. 48Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."
49While Jesus was still speaking, someone came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue ruler. "Your daughter is dead," he said. "Don't bother the teacher any more."50Hearing this, Jesus said to Jairus, "Don't be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed."
51When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother. 52Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. "Stop wailing," Jesus said. "She is not dead but asleep."
53They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. 54But he took her by the hand and said, "My child, get up!" 55Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up. Then Jesus told them to give her something to eat. 56Her parents were astonished, but he ordered them not to tell anyone what had happened.

Have a Happy Father’s Day!

I also send special love to men who are mentoring, teaching, and serving as spiritual fathers. You don't have to make time for other people's children, but you do. Thank you! Thank you Lord, the ultimate father.

Life Is Simple:

Just Love, Be Loved, and Love Some More!!!!

Seriously people, you all have some great blogs, and I love reading them and the comments that people leave on your blogs. I love reading them to the point that I'm somewhat distracted from doing other things, like working =). Thanks for teaching me about you.

The New "F" Words

Be Faithful

Be Focused

Move Forward

Show Fruit

For a time such as this...

It's been a while since I've written from my heart. I suppose that much of it has to do with the fact that lately I've been feeling like I have nothing to say. It's as if I've been silenced. My heart wants to speak, but nothing comes out of my mouth. It's even taking a lot to write this. This started happening last month. I can't really explain it. I asked God to humble me and to increase wisdom, grace, meekness, and patience. I beleive He's doing and did just that for a time such as this.

This week I feel like I'm in the fight of my life for my life as I am trying to make a career change. There have been many random occurences in the form of negative people, making negative comments, and doing negative things. My heart feels heavy, but I haven't said anything or reacted negatively. God silenced me for a time such as this so I would just smile and let things go in one ear and out the other. He also silenced me so that I wouldn't become upset or call home for money when an unexpected financial matter arose. Instead He urged me to give, even when I didn't really have it and to sit still. The money was returned to me in a check a family member sent just because. Call me crazy, but everyday when I go to my mailbox, I beleive that there's a check in there for me with a note that says,"just because." Last year, I started believing for a random check in the mail for a million dollars, but then I realized that I need a check for billions of dollars to help and bless people the way I want to. So I now beleive for billions. A million would barely be enough for me =).

Every time I try to go to another level in life or make an important change, negative things start to occur, usually the week before. It's usually an illness, cold, or family drama, but this time it's been people and distractions. The great thing is that I'm aware of this pattern, so I"m able to walk through it already knowing why this happens. I knew this week would be weird, so I prayed about it beforehand. I'm able to stand, because I'm sure of the things hoped for and are not yet seen.

In addition to trying to make a career change, I'm also about to end a six month spiritual fast on June 13. The fast is centered around Knight In Shining Armor by Christian author P. Bunny Wilson. It's not one of those how to get a man books; rather it's more about surrendering to God, being intimate with Him, healing past wounds, how we want the Lord to view us, and living in excellence. The author stresses the importance of taking care of those things before one gets married, and she also discusses questions to consider when choosing a mate. During the 6 months the reader must abstain from dating, courting, and "talking to" guys, so that she can focus on the Lord's will for her life and get her life in order. My life has changed dramatically. In December, I started with a list of things that I wanted to change during the 6 months. All but one are are checked off. Yeah!!!! The other is on it's way. I haven't been on a date during this time, and I was able to cut ties with guys who weren't husband material (at least not for me). It was not lonely at all, and the quiet times really allowed me to find clarity about the direction of my life. I highly recommend this book. I'm excited about reaching this milestone, so of course the devil is going to try to trip me up before I get there. The saying new level, new devil is so true.

So although things are a little hazy, I stand because I'm sure of the things hoped for and are not yet seen.

Speaking of dating...I've been silent in that area too, and God is doing something different. I'm honest about this....Before I was saved, I would meet a guy, and we would go on a date. Before the date, there was usually a phone conversation in which the basics were discussed (where are you from, what do you do, are you married =), etc). Notice that God was not discussed, and the highlight was what he did for a living (so sad, I know). I confess that after the first phone call, I would be planning out my future with this guy. Seriously, I would think, "OK, he does x, y, and z, so he probably makes this amount, which means I could stay home after the children come, or I couldn't stay home when the children come, or maybe I'll be able to work part time. In my mind I had a picture of what life would be like with this guy. I'd tell my friends about my new excitement. Then during the first date, I would be so dissappointed that the guy I made him to be in my head, was not the guy presented before me. On top of that, I had to go back to my friends and tell them why he wasn't the one. What a mess.

Some people were trying to play matchmaker. I don't have any updates on that, but I realized how much I grew in that area. I realized that God silenced me for a time such as this. I didn't get overly excited and go into girlish romantic thoughts about the future. I didn't have much to say. God is doing this so my thoughts and expectations won't get ahead of me in my future dealings with guys, and so that I can see them for who they really are. His relationship with God and others has replaced the rank of what he does for a living. Lord, forgive me for being so shallow. Thank you for fixing that in my life. I"ve also fallen in love with the Lord, and I love myself.

Love and Be loved,

Z

I came across an article that really touched me..........
DEVOTIONAL
A Well Tilled Garden
By Cathy Irvin


CBN.com -- Ever pictured your home as a well tilled garden? If you think of a home as a garden it can be whatever you put into it, as well as what you take out of it.

Remember the story in Matthew 13 about the wheat and the tares, sometimes known as the sower and the seeds parable? Jesus is the sower and the field is the world. He sows good seeds but the enemy of our souls sows bad seeds.

We can relate to this story and bring it down to our daily life and say we are either sowing daily those good seeds like the wheat or bad seeds like those rotten old weeds in our homes.

However, unlike this story in the bible where both the wheat and tares remain until the harvest we have to get the weeds out now! They are choking the life out of families today.

What are these weeds or tares? They are seeds of contention and strife. We must begin now to till our garden in our home and sow seeds of love and kindness instead of all the hostility and unkind words. We have to get those bad seeds out and sow love, peace and joy in their place.

James 3:16 (Amp) says,

"For wherever there is jealousy (envy) and contention (rivalry and selfish ambition), there will also be confusion (unrest, disharmony, rebellion) and all sorts of evil and vile practices."

I heard an interview on the radio about disciplining unruly children and how oftentimes the cause of these children’s behavior problems are “learned behavior”. They went on to on to say that 99.9% comes from the home life.

We must be ambassadors of Christ’s love to our family members. We have to be the living epistles because the gospel must be seen by our actions and words. It is first in Jerusalem, (meaning our home) Judah, (our city and community) and then to the uttermost parts of the world.

How can we change and sow the good seeds? God tells us how in His word.

Romans 12:2 (Amp) says,

"Do not be conformed to this world (this age), [fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideals and its new attitude], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you]."

We can’t take strife and contention to the fields (God’s world) we must take seeds of peace and hope. If we can’t get it together with our own little garden in our home it may be time for us all to do some tilling right where we are planted.

I Don't Look Like What I've Been Through

My mother and brothers are on vacation in the Virgin Islands for Memorial Day weekend. Before they, left my mom sent a picture of me in the V.I. I think I was two or three. In the E-mail she asked me what happened to the little girl who never feared anything. She said I wasn't afraid of the ocean or it's contents. She said I ran toward it, and kept trying to go as far as I could. The woman in the background is my grandmother, and she doesn't swim.

To be honest, I guess life just happened. Things happen that can wear away at us. Before we know it we are not the person who God created us to be. However, through the grace of God we are restored. So many things happened between that time and below on my 25th birthday. There was joy, but there were also many trials, tribulations, pain, insecurities, and uncertainty. I now see how the devil set up strategic traps, so that I would fail, but God kept me. It's funny how we can go from a God designed life to living a life of death. My 25th birthday was something that I never took for granted, because I realized that I almost didn't make it to see age 25. When you hear me say that I'm still standing, I really mean that I'm still standing. It was also around the first time in my life that I remember being truly confident.




So many things happened between the day of my 25th birthday, and later that year in the picture below. Many changes took place, many habits were broken, many yokes were broken, and ties were cut, but I wasn't really where I needed to be. I was still outside of God's purpose for my life. I chose the last two pictures, because I can vividly remember the thoughts that I had about the direction of my life on those days.



So-o-o many things have happened between this picture and 26. So many things have happened between that picture and today. I can testify that when God is in your life there are no limits or boundaries to where He'll take you. I don't look like what I've been through, and it's all because of God's grace. I'm not fully where I want to be, and I'm humbled knowing that I am always a work in progress, but I've stepped into God's purpose for my life. His grace is more than enough for me, and I constantly thank Him for the patience He has built in me during my trials. I am thankful that I am open to helping others learn from my experiences.

What ever happened to the little girl who never feared anything? She disappeared for a little while, but she's back!

This Isn’t Infatuation

I love waking up embraced by you.
You make me feel so secure.
I hold on to you and pray that you don’t let go.
I turn to you and greet you with a smile.
My love, I’m honored that you chose me.
Our journey has been worthwhile.

I love the way you take care of me,
And make sure my every need is met.
You’ve truly upgraded me,
And I am so well-kept.

Many women dream of being rescued by a knight,
But you actually saved me,
And you told me that if I got with you,
That everything would be alright.
You told me to never worry or fear,
For my battles you will fight.
My love, you make me feel so safe.

Many women dream of being chosen by a prince.
They spend a lifetime grooming and preparing,
hoping to be a princess.
Well the king chose me, even when I looked a mess.
Because of your favor and love for me,
I am now a royal heiress.
I bow down before you my king.

My love, I surrender my body to you.
I submit to your every request.
I love your leadership.
You cover me best.
How can I serve you my love?
Sure, if it so pleases the king.

I love our walk, the way we talk, the way you treat others,
And how you listen to me.
I love how you never break your promises.
My love, you set me free.

No one can love me the way that you do.
You know me so well.
I couldn’t hide anything from you.
You are my love and my friend.

I know that a man will be in love with me,
And I will be in love with him too,
But Lord I know that his love,
Won’t compare to the love of you.
I know that people love me, and I love them too,
But Lord I know that their love,
Just doesn't compare to the love of you.
Lord, I love you.
Lord, I'm in love with you.

Fun and Funny...

Amber and I had a great time last weekend. We ate, talked, relaxed, laughed, went to restaurants, the mall, book stores, and ate some more. We were old ladies in the sense that we watched the food network and home and garden, read books, and tried a few recipes. We both love watching Run's House. It was fun. She is my oldest friend, and it was so good to see each other.

Yesterday, I had so-o-o much fun. I went to a softball game. I went to a Bobcats and Wizards game (Gilbert Arenas =), ok let me stop) last fall, but it's been a while since I 've been to an outdoor sporting event. The game was intense: it rained, a verbal altercation, a loosing teams first win of the season, and the teams played with heart. Did I say it rained? I didn't even care that may hair and clothes were wet. I was having fun. Plus I got to meet some new people. Sometimes we let little things like keeping our hair style prevent us from having fun or swimming (my people, my people). Life is too short. Have fun!

Last week I had the pleasure of being hit on by two men. One appeared to be in his 60s and the other was 47. Number one approached me in Wal-mart saying he had seen me before. He asked if I was married. When I said no he asked if he could take me out. I declined. Then he said he was looking for a FRIEND. I said I wasn't interested. Inside I felt embarrassed. There were people watching this foolishness. Number two also said he saw me before. I was very uncomfortable, so I started answering his questions as "yes Sir" and "no Sir" so he would get the hint that I noticed there was an age difference, and I was not into him. He told me not to call him Sir because he was only 47. I looked at his hand and saw a ring. He gave me his card and told me to call him sometime. Once again, I was embarrassed. With number 2 my stomach was in knots. I felt that there was just something perverse about this man. Later the self conscious part of me wanted to know if there was something that I was putting out that made these creepy men think it was okay to approach me. I was actually saddened. A friend told me to calm down. She explained that I appear soft, quiet, and nice, and perverse people see that as a weakness and as someone they can take advantage of. She said of course they would have been surprised that I'm really not quiet, but that's all it is. I understand, and I will not trade in my gentleness, but it made me think of all the women and men who act hard, but really aren't, because they fear being taken advantage of. I also thought about how so many times we know that something just isn't quite right about a person, but we date that person, marry that person, let that person around our children, or do business with that person. We have to trust our God given instincts.

Under the Surface...

We know that God is at work under the surface plotting, planning, positioning, and removing details in our lives. We know that we cannot fully fathom God's ways, but we trust that His ways make sense to Him and for His greater good. It's not a secret that I feel so out of my purpose at my current job and that it takes a lot of motivation in the morning to go to work. It's not that my job is bad; it's just not me. I'm fine once I'm here, but before then it takes work. Working outside of our purpose is death, and I will not do that again. I am excited to be teaching. Well I now know that God has kept me at my current place of work this long so that I would meet a special person. No, not my husband =), but a woman after His heart.

I knew she was saved the first day I met her. There was just something about her. Later just to be safe I said, "I don't know what your religious background is, but I'd like to invite you to a conference my church is having." She laughed, because she already knew who I trusted in. Little did I know that she had been there before and likes it. She will only be in NC for a little while and plans to move back home. I feel like God wanted to make sure that I could recognize His children and help them in times of need. It feels like we've known each other forever. We have a hard time working, because we want to talk. She is very wise, and I feel like God positioned her in my life to show me where He's trying to take me in my walk with Him. She has taught me so much, and to watch her fast and pray and be full of faith through her tough times in life and marriage humbles and encourages me. She does not crumble. I"m not trying to get all spookey deep, but I really wanted to share this. I can't even articulate everything God has revealed in our friendship.

Readers, I know it seems like I talk a lot about relationships and my future husband. Yes, I want to teach and encourage and have a beautiful spirit, but wife is also in my purpose. It's something I just know, and He confirms it so much. My husband is going to be great. It's not just going to be a marriage, but a ministry. People will wonder how we can be together for so long and still love and like each other. We are also going to touch and change lives, and the world is not ready for our children. This morning she left a note on my desk from something she saw that read: A woman should be so hidden in God that only a man seeking God can find her.
Enough said.

A childhood friend is coming to visit this weekend, and I am too excited. We met in the third grade. We went to different grade schools, but we lived in the same neighborhood. At that time there was only a few black families living there. We were both the only black person in our classes. I would look out the window as she rode her bike. My parents would say, "why don't you go play with the black girl." Little did I know that she would watch me as I rode my bike, and her parents would say the same thing. Then she would ride her bike to my house and just stare at it. I would ride my bike to her house and just stare at it. We were too shy to knock on the door. One day we were outside at the same time and the rest is history. We haven't seen each other in 5 years, so it will be great to catch up. I think she will be married soon, so I have a feeling God is at work under the surface allowing us to spend quality time before she goes to the next level.

Birthday Reflections...

Lord,

You are my EVERYTHING!! I love you. I will always glorify you. Your praise shall continuously be in my mouth. Thank you for allowing me to be here another year to serve you. Thank you for allowing me to see myself the way you see me. I will always honor your promises and word and not grow tired and weary in waiting for your promises. You said that those who put their hope in you will soar on wings like eagles. Lord, I thank you for the position I asked for. I thank you for taking me to another level in my walk with you. I thank you for the relationships you have brought into my life and for the relationships you have mended and restored. Lord, thank you for stretching my faith and humbling me. Thank you for making me your princess. I will not break your heart. I love you! I love you! I love you!

Praise Him In Advance........

When I think about where God is taking me, all I can say is wow and thank you Lord. I feel this covering over me that I didn't feel five years ago. I can embrace every trial whether big or small, because I see how he molds me with each one. I love my life. I enjoy my life. I even began to love living in the Triangle once I found a church home and other things to do besides finding a party. This is home. It's fabulous. I feel so complete and beautiful. The more I give, the more I receive. The more I love, the more I am loved. Even if I wasn't loved or receiving, I would still give and love. This excitement for life is so hard to contain. It wakes me out of my sleep at night. I just love my life! You could not pay me to go back to a life without submission to God's word.

For the last two months I've been taking a class at my church on discovering our God given gifts. I scored high on the gifts of exhortation and compassion. Knowing this has changed my life. I was unable to articulate why I felt so uneasy in my doctoral program and was unfulfilled in research. My GPA was high, I was funded, and I had a good mentor, but I just knew I had to leave. I couldn't really explain why. I would just say things like, "This isn't me. I think I need to be working directly with people or get a doctorate degree in something applied." After taking this class, I learned that exhorters generally don't like to do research, but they'll apply it. They love to encourage, motivate, and give steps to solving problems. That is so me!!!! If only I had taken this class before grad school or even college =). Hannah and Junior (don't act like I'm the only women who has thought of her children's names before she was married) are so going to take something like this while they are in college, if not before. I am just too excited about life! Things are just starting to click, and I see how God is placing me in His purpose.

I am turning the Big 26 on Monday. Life goes by so fast. I know I am not that old, but it just feels like one day I woke up, and I was going on 26. I can't describe it. To be honest, I didn't really want to do anything for my birthday. Then I decided something simple would suffice. My friend M., is rounding up the troops and we are going to let down our hair down and pig out at Coldstone. I know we are all trying to "preserve the sexy," as Diddy or whatever he calls himself these days would say, but it's okay to indulge every now and then.

I love you, and remember God will do what He said He would do!

Beauty for Ashes (Continued)
Beauty is a Dance
By Laura Bagby


CBN.com – Author Angela Thomas, a self-confessed wallflower for much of her youth, tackles this issue of self-worth and God's love in her book Do You Think I Am Beautiful? The Question Every Woman Asks (Thomas Nelson, February 2003). Foundational to a woman's concept of acceptance is her right standing with God. Angela depicts this right relationship with our Heavenly Father as a magnificent dance in which God calls us out to the center of the dance floor and enables us to joyfully partake in a lifelong dance, resting in His strength and protection and confidence.

By discussing what can hinder women from dancing in the arms of God and describing the true fulfillment that awaits women who choose to dance, Angela sets out to free women from wrong thinking so that they can be all that God has called them to be.

Earlier this year I got a chance to talk with Angela, and I found her to be a beautiful and compassionate woman. What follows is the discussion we had about what it really means to be beautiful.

Could you explain your definition of beauty? It is obviously not just skin deep.

I dont think the beautiful that a woman longs for is all about body image. The beautiful that a woman longs for is about complete acceptance. Do you see the flaws of me and the scars of me? Do you see my wounds? Do you see what I am really good at and what I stink at? Now do you want me? Does anybody still want to call me beautiful in all that? That is my take on what a woman truly longs for in regard to beauty. Some days it does get confused with all the body stuff. It is hard to mention beautiful in regard to women and not get that all confused.

Beauty is one of the things that we as females long for. Why do you think that is?

I think it is by design. I truly believe that God wired us as women to long for beauty and to long to be known as beautiful. Why would He wire us to long for beautiful and then require us to pursue plain, or to shut down all those desires and every longing and say, I dont really long for that, I dont really desire that?

I spent a lot of years running away from that, pretending that I was strong enough and smart enough and together enough that all that stuff didnt really matter. But it does matter.

You went through a really hard time where you were just before the Lord, God, I just need to know how you feel about me. Talk a little bit about that experience.

When everything else falls away and all the props that you have depended on or leaned on and all the pretending, when all of that goes away, and there is no one else to call, and there is no more e-mail to read, and there is no one who is coming, and it is finally, me and God, then that is where the title for this book came from. Thats where everything kind of broke, and it was, Oh, God, do you think I am beautiful? Can you see me now? Obviously, He had seen me the whole time, but I was a big mess. So I asked, God, what do you think of me now? Do you still want me? I would understand if you sent me to the back of the line.' But God doesnt do that. There are deeper lessons of grace that you dont even know your life is going to take you to.

Women are taught to smile and to look good. And that grace thing, especially in our culture, is not a big factor. So it is hard to think God is smitten with me, as you say in your book. How do you get past that to where you are saying I know that God loves me completely, no matter I do?

I think that for the rest of our lives, probably, Satan is going to whisper in our ears, Its not true. Its not true about you. Dont believe Him. Maybe it is true for that one, but it is certainly not true about you. God couldnt call you beautiful. You know the truth about yourself. Dont believe it. There is a battle that rages for your soul and for your mind because Satan doesnt want you to believe a word of it. In Psalm 45:11, God says, The King is enthralled with your beauty. To believe that that would be true of me is difficult, but then I get on my face before the Creator and I feel like I hear Him speaking to my heart, Just believe that what I say is true. How much stronger would you be? What kind of life would you live if you truly believed what I said about you? I think that is the fulcrum on which the rest of our lives turn as women. We can live our lives in this very weak place where we are not sure anyone sees us, believes in us, thinks of us, knows us, or notices us, or we can finally come to rest in the arms of God.

Confidence as a woman can be misinterpreted as this 'princess complex' that you talk about. It is OK to be a princess, but we train ourselves to think that isnt OK.

I have avoided everything that has to do with princess thinking all my life. I didnt want to be thought of as the woman with a princess complex, but you know, when I truly let my heart speak what is inside, would I like to be treated special? Yeah. Would I like to be seen and noticed and heard and even heard underneath the surface of what I am trying to say? Yeah. Is that a princess? If that is what you mean, yeah, I would like that very much. I dont want to have the princess complex. I dont want people to think that the whole world should revolve around me because I know differently. I serve the Creator, yet He has wired each of us with this desire to be known.

Where did you come up with the idea that our relationship with God is meant to be a dance? God asks us, the wallflowers, onto the dance floor. We dont have to go pursuing; He pursues us. Talk about that.

It comes out of my own personal life. I tell the story about being the wallflower until I was in high school, and then for the first time ever being asked to dance and remembering so vividly what that felt like because even my friends and my peers, the guys that hung out with me in school, everyone knew me as the girl who never got asked to dance, the wallflower. Even though I made them laugh and we had fun together, I was certainly not going to be the one that anyone asked to dance.

The memory is so vivid of what it felt like to finally be seen across the room and validated that I had to believe that is how God thinks of us. I am imagining that God put that inside of me for a purpose, not for sin, not for ugliness, but just to delight in celebration and to enjoy what He has given as a gift.

I have four children, and as soon as they could pull themselves up and hold onto the sofa or a table, anything, any kind of music set them to dancing, wiggling, bopping and moving. No one ever taught them that. It just came pre-wired in them to giggle and move over a great delight. I looked at them and thought, This cant be wrong because it came wired in them. Obviously, I had nothing to do with their joy in their delight in dancing.

You talk about the distractions that keep us from dancing with God. Would you briefly go over some of those?

Some of them we just mentioned, like the whispers of unbelief. We can stay there for 20 or 30 years not believing that what God said of us is true. Then there are noises in our heads and clutter in our soulsthings that have come into our lives either by our own choosing or things that we never chose that happened to us and they havent been dealt with and they keep us from the dance.

Could you give an illustration of some of those things that we tell ourselves?

There are these questions like, Is this all there is? Is this really what God has for me? Have I missed something somehow? And then there are the questions that come from woundings. Did I deserve this? Maybe this is all I deserve. Maybe I am supposed to be a wallflower. That is what everyone has said of me. So many things come into our lives that clutter up our heads and keep us standing in the shadows believing that everyone else is supposed to dance but maybe we are supposed to stand back here with the noise that we have.

Sometimes we make choices that take us away from the dance, prodigal choices. Sometimes we stand around the edge of the room at the dance and act like the elder brother [in the parable of the Prodigal Son], who doesnt even hear the music and doesnt have any idea that he has been invited to dance in the arms of God.

Talk a little bit more about that prodigal son/elder brother concept. You gave some really good insights about that whole parable.

I think that it is a part of all of us. Sometimes I can be the prodigal, who takes everything the Father has given me and knowingly goes of to the distant country and squanders it right in the presence of God. And then sometimes I can be the elder brother, who stayed homeyou know, the good girl who made all the right choices, who still doesnt get it, doesnt get the heart of the Father, who doesnt hear the music, who doesnt know anything about grace. Grace was available the whole time, but I turned my back. Sometimes I can miss the dance because I have wandered away like the prodigal; sometimes I can be right in the room and not even know the music is playing because I am the elder brother with the snotty, judgmental attitude.

Once we get through those distractions and come into the presence of the Lord, what can we expect to get from that intimate dance with God?

Right there in the arms of God is where He envisioned us when He thought of us. There is strength and confidence and hope to wake up and face the day. We wake up with fear and trembling, or we wake up in strength based on where we are in relationship to God. When we are in His arms, content and peaceful, finding our strength there, knowing that we are protected, that we are following His lead, that we go where He guides us, it is kind of like we get to be the bride, truly, truly the Bride of Christ, the one who is beautiful, the one who is confident because she belongs to God.

That is a long way to go when you have gone through so many trials. And it sounds like you were going through trials when you wrote your book.

Yeah, and I dont know a woman who is not. I dont meet a woman ever who doesnt have a bag of ashes that she can choose to pick up and haul around every day.

So, it is a choice.

Either she is going to lay them at the foot of the Cross and ask our God to exchange what she carries with her for a crown of beauty, or she is going to haul it around.

That is good to know because sometimes we have this belief that we have to be perfect before we come to God.

That goes back to the whole prodigal thing. The prodigal came home empty and ugly and smelly and stinking and being a long way from the dance. The beauty of that is that even in the mess of that prodigal place, Scripture says that one day the prodigal came to his senses. It didnt mean that he came home perfect or changed or clean or in any other way right before the Lord. You and I are the same. We can just raise our heads and look back in the direction of home and the Father covers the distance between us: He runs toward us. We dont have to come without the ashes. He wants to take that sack of ashes and redeem them to be a crown of beauty. To hesitate, to wait because we are not perfect and we are not cleaned up and we still smell like a pig sty and we are hauling our stuff around will keep us waiting when the Father says, Turn. Just turn in My direction because I want to run to you.

I know in my own personal life, when I am going through trials sometimes it is the best plan to talk to other people, yet I think I have to be perfect and I have to have it altogether before I speak to women. I cant speak to all these women when I am struggling, but that is when people are most ministered to. Have you found that to be the case?

Ministry completely happens in the presence of honesty and vulnerability and transparency. When we are being the church ladies, I dont know that very much good happens or very much powerful happens. A lot of little tasks get accomplished. Somebody takes care of the nursery and meetings happen and we make crafts for the missionaries in China, but I dont know that any Holy Spirit powerful work happens apart from real transparency.

I think there is a time when you must decide, Am I going to stay the church lady the rest of my life, or am I going to be the unchurch lady? She is a little bit more raw, and she is way more transparent. She is vulnerable. She is messy sometimes. But God is active in her life. She has compassion to give because she understands what it feels like to receive the compassion of God. She is quick to forgive because, for goodness sakes, she has been forgiven so much already because she finally told the truth. I kind of want to hang out with those kinds of womenthe messy, vulnerable, transparent typesbecause I have been enough of the church lady.

What is the one thing you want to tell women? What is that one nugget that you want women to remember?

At the end of eleven chapters, I am hoping and I have been praying my guts out about it that the woman who has made that journey with me will begin to believe that what God says about her is true. Living out of that changes your entire life. We have known that with the gospel, too. We will either choose to believe the gospel every day and the power and strength that it adds to our lives, or we will wake up and forget until we are reminded again to believe the gospel.

Beauty For Ashes (Isaiah 61:3)

I feel led to blog about how God has given various women (and men) beauty for their ashes. The closer I grow to Christ it seems as if he has positioned extraordinary and physically, spiritually, and internally beautiful women in my life. I am awed at their beauty. I also take plenty of notes =). I love complimenting them, but interesting enough some will say things like:
"You know, I think he gave me beauty for my ashes."

"I can't believe how beautiful I feel."

"I didn't look like this before I was saved. I thought I was pretty, but the way I look now is something I 'm not used to."

"The beauty that I thought I had before was not real beauty."

When I complimented a woman with five children who doesn't look a day over 25, she simply replied, "I don't know how I look like this. All I can say is he gave me beauty for my ashes." Last night as a pastor was praying he said thank him for the beauty for ashes. There is something powerful in how God beautifies us in our weaknesses, when we are humble, and when we remain faithful even when we are broken. I'm going to spend the next couple of blogs talking about Beauty for Ashes. Please feel free to share your testimonies about your Beauty for Ashes. Tell us he has taken you through a physical and spiritual transformation as you remain faithful and how others respond to your new beauty.

Thoughts, Thoughts, and More Thoughts...

It's funny how you can be having a great day, but then you just happen to turn on the TV or sign on the Internet and bad news pours into you and shadows that good day you thought you were going to have. You didn't even personally experience the event, but you feel like you did. You just want to leave work, and you don't even know what you will do if you leave, but you just can't focus where you are now. The tragic events at VA Tech have turned my stomach inside out. My heart hurts. Last week the Imus situation troubled me. On Saturday morning I attended a book club meeting with some sisters from my church. We discussed Your Best Life Now by Joel Osteen. We talked about living a life of excellence, speaking life to our children, and living favor minded in addition to other things. As we talked about self-esteem, the issues of colorism in the black community, media depictions of African American women, and the Imus comment arose.

A sister mentioned something that I hadn't considered in relation to living kingdom minded and the Rutger's basketball team. We were talking about how as Christians, we just can't have a bad day and curse someone out. These strong women were persecuted by this man's comment, but were able to handle the situation with class and dignity. They were meek. They didn't become irate on camera or speak words about Imus in the manner that he spoke about them. They didn't disrespect white people. They didn't threaten him. They didn't curse or yell. But they were still able to convey that this is not right and that they were hurt. Because of the way these courageous women handled this situation, the media had no choice but to focus on other things, such as hip hop music. They met with Imus in private. These women didn't give the media the circus show they wanted, and as a result they made this situation less dramatic. I commend them for that. They showed us that they are women, and they made Imus look worse.

As far as colorsim, my heart felt for my sisters and brothers who have been persecuted because of their complexion, whether they were considered too dark or too light. My experience is a little different than most people of African descent in America. I am light- skinned, but I wasn't favored because of my light skin as a child or teenager. I went to predominately white private schools, where there were no more than four black people in a grade. My schools were racist, so I was taunted and harassed by whites just as much as my darker- skinned friends, simply because I was black. They didn't see me as light skinned, just black. To this day, I do not feel favored by whites, and God really had to rid me of thinking that all white people were going to hurt me like my classmates did. My mother's side of the family has people who have passed for white and they do not keep in touch with the family. I have a cousin my age who is living as a white woman. That's crazy. However, the people who haven't passed all married dark-skinned people, so my family is a blend of complexions and no treats anyone differently. Sometimes my siblings tell me I'm adopted, because they are darker than me, but that's about it.

However, upon attending an HBCU, I began to realize that black people, not white people, were now treating me differently because of my complexion. I remember sitting in the cafeteria and a guy walked up to me and said you know I hate light skinned people. I think you all look like pee. I was shocked. Later I would learn about the pain of my darker -skinned sisters, that some men and professors liked me because I was light- skinned, that some people didn't like me because I was light- skinned, that some people thought that because I was light- skinned that I was a certain way, and that colorism is real. Growing up, I only new of light-skinned and dark-skinned. Then I moved to North Carolina and learned all these new terms "light-skinned", "brown- skinned", "yellow", "red-boned", "chocolate", "light-brown", "caramel", "midnight", "honey"... the list goes on. Last week a friend of mine said that she feels like black women are at the bottom, not even our men want us. She said even if you are light skinned, you are no good if you have to wrap your hair at night. My brothers, I hope that's not true. I guess we all have preferences, but our preferences shouldn't be embedded in internalized oppression. For example, I'm not going to marry a guy with good hair just so my daughter can have good hair. I used to only be attracted to dark-skinned men. Now I'm open to all complexions. Perhaps I feared that if I married a light skinned man that my child would be too light. That's stupid.

On Friday night I saw the Evening At Egypt exhibit at the NC Museum of Art. I was amazed at how intricate the artwork was considering they did not have today's technology. I loved how the royal women carried themselves. There were a few greats, but there wasn't anything from headliners like Ramses or Cleopatra. I guess they only do big city things =). It's so tragic how the Egyptians were light years ahead of the Greeks and Romans, but the Greeks and Romans get credit for everything.

God is just too Good. Wow! I'm living proof that when you let him lead your life that you are transformed in ways you never thought you would be. When you call, he'll answer, and if he doesn't do it right away it's usually because he's developing something in you. If he doesn't do it at all it's because he knows you better than you know yourself. Amen!!! I'm so glad that he didn't give me some of the things I asked for. If adversity comes your way, don't let it break you. Push through and keep focused on the Lord. New level, new devil and you've got to fight. We all have adversity that can break us. For some of us it's a failed relationship, death of a loved one, loss of a job, illness, accident, or someone does us wrong. I'm seeing so many things about my life. My parents divorce and lack of a father's love and attention was supposed to break me in the devils plan. The enemy wanted me to be one of those girls who is out there, dates older men or men for attention, is a man hater, doesn't trust, can't love, and is just wrong. We see that happen to so many young women in the same situation. But I was able to push through, forgive, love, and encourage other young women who experienced the same thing. I didn't crumble. We also see our brothers failing because there was no father figure. I let the Lord in to heal any hurts and my testimony is that I don't feel like I grew up in a single parent home. What the enemy wanted to destroy, faith in God led to victory. Almost two years ago I was in a horrible car accident and I went from unbearable pain and not walking to wheel chair and walker to crutch to cane to not walking that well to walking but getting fatigue to walking, but can't run or jump. Now I'm running, jumping, and wearing heels! In October, a credit card balance was paid. Let's just say I didn't pay it and neither did my mother (I thought she suprised me, but it wasn't her). Before that, I was told that in order to have children that I would have to take some type of hormones to induce ovulation when I wanted to have children. Let's just say that's not a problem anymore (Sorry men if that's TMI). These small testimonies arn't including the things that he protected me from that I don't know even know about or all the grace and favor he has given me. I was afraid to fail, but now I'm speaking things into existence like crazy and could care less if they didn't happen. Some people say all this is coincidence or luck. I say it's God. This is why I can't waiver on my beliefs. This is why I love praise and worship. This is why I don't fool with foolishness. This is why I feel more beautiful than ever. This is why I can cry when God is referred to as a healer, provider, and father. This is why I can't do anything to mess up my witness. I've come to far to turn back. If he's done this so far, I can't wait to see what's next. I'm going through an interesting period in my walk; it's a waiting period. Patience is being built like never before. But if I'm not careful the devil can use this period to push in doubt. I've come too far to fall now. I'm pushing through, even if it takes years for these things to pass.

Last night I was talking to a friend and we decided to go to the Word for encouragement. Mind you four years ago she and I would have not opened up a bible on the phone for encouragment through a tough time. After we located and read scripture related to the event, a calmness came. This conversation began with tears and ended with a burden being lifted and a soul restored. What the enemy was using to destroy, God used for victory. God is just too Good!!!

I love you!!

Friends Part 2:

As I was checking out www.cbn.com, I came across and interesting read.
This article paralleled the changes I was going through, especially
in the area of finding fulfillment in God. I never thought that I would
get to that place, but I'm finally here. It's beautiful, but at the same
time I feel like an alien or stranger around worldly men. I am realizing that before "the one" comes, many counterfeits appear. Now that I'm saved, dating is kind of like the way we used to to date (well some of us) at 14 in the sense that it's not hot and heavy; rather it's more of a friendship and courtship. Now that we date with a purpose, we add asking the tough questions into the mix. I'm not a "black widow" by any means, but once again this week I felt it was best to cut ties with a male friend. This is like the 100th one this year. Oh well =)...

I knew we weren't real friends the evening I was over his house. I started to leave because it was getting late (I shouldn't have been there in the first place), and he asked me to spend the night (Sure). I said no for many reasons. Although we (at least I wasn't) were not planning to do anything physical, I told him that when a person is trying to bring others to Christ that he or she needs to avoid even the appearance of evil. We like to think that people don't judge, but if you saw me leaving this guy's house the next morning you would probably question me and wonder if I'm hypocritical. You could easily loose faith in me and in church folk. I mean, that's just how it is. I also explained that there was just no need to spend the night. He felt that I cared too much about what others think. It seemed like he liked my walk with God, until I was uncomfortable with spending the night. To make a long story short we didn't agree, so there was no need to...

The friend before him was the "well you should spend the night (Saturday) at my house, since I live close to your church." What was he talking about? Were we supposed to have a sleep over? Others were similar. I'm kind and sweet, but I'm blunt. I tell them my views and feelings, and kindly ask them not to call anymore. I just don't see the point of wasting time or dating just to date. Clearly these guys don't really respect my walk with God. I feel like I'm constantly being tested. God sends guys that have some of what I want, but not all of it. They talk a good game about their walk with God, but they could NOT cover me. If I wasn't fulfilled in the Lord, I could be looking to men for fulfillment like many other women.

Then there's the periods where it seems like the people who live life all types of wrong are finding love. There are also women who claimed to be so saved, but they settle for a guy who is bringing them down spiritually, because they don't want to be alone and the statistics say that 70% or AA women are single. BUT I have to remember that I don't know their battles and sooner or later those battles will be revealed. Relationships that I once thought were so great have revealed themselves to be trash, but the same people think I need to lower my standards. I say my standards are not my standards, but they are God's standards. I'm just focusing on the one above and not what's going on on my right or left. I'm not settling for crumbs. My Father wouldn't have that =). If He said a man should love his wife the way Christ loved the church, then why would I settle for a guy who doesn't have my back spiritually?

Wanted: True Love
By Kimberly Barton
Guest Writer (www.cbn.com)

CBN.com – God speaks to my heart every day with His beauty and provision – even though contemporary love songs on the radio.

Often,
I come across lyrics of a lover desiring his beloved and doing whatever
it takes to bring his own to him. The lover’s longing is to be known
and loved and finally, out of desperation he puts the beloved to the
test to see what the final answer is.

And so it is, in the same way, God may be asking you: Do you want Me or do you want the world? What is your answer?

Everyday
I am faced with this question. Ultimately, I know that Jesus Christ is
all that I really want and all that I really need. Only He can fill the
inner longings and desires of my soul.

I want God to strip away
all the imitations and counterfeits that this world has to offer and
reveal to me the true Lover of my soul, Jesus Christ. I want him to
reign within my heart, spirit, and mind forever. I am desperate and
hungry for this pure and innocent, true love that I have found in Jesus
Christ.

There is the occasional day on Regent University’s
campus when, either leaving or entering the library, I see a bride
posing for her picture along the red-carpeted stairwell of the
vestibule. Then, there are the days when I see brides posing in front
of the regal fountain on campus with the roaring lions.

They,
the brides look like royalty, and I feel like Cinderella with ashes
across my cheek, not yet discovered by her prince. I think to myself as
I longingly look at the brides with admiration, “I desire to be chosen,
to be a bride beautifully arrayed in the finest of ornament for her
husband.” The brides — they glow, they radiate, and they bask in
knowing they have been chosen. I think, “I want to be chosen” and I ask
God, “When will my day come?”

I imagine Jesus Christ longing to
reach down to this earth and take my face in His hand and tenderly and
lovingly saying to me, “But my dear, my beloved, you are already a
bride, a most beautiful bride because of Me, and I chose you and you
are Mine.”

“Listen to me, O royal daughter; take to heart what
I say. Forget your people and your family far away. For your royal
husband delights in your beauty; honor Him, for he is your Lord. (Psalm
45:10-11,NLT)"

Today, I wrote in my journal, “How much better
it is to be your bride rather than an earthly one! The material of a
wedding dress is perishable, but your garment of righteousness lasts
forever.”

“She has been given the finest of pure white linen to
wear. For the fine linen represents the good deeds of God’s holy people
(Revelation 19:8,NLT)."

I now understand the longings of my
heart. Everything goes back to Jesus Christ, and it all makes sense to
me now. The desires of my heart are really all for Jesus Christ
Himself. He gives us wisdom and freedom in regards to things of this
world. He delivered us out of the depths of Sheol. Respectively, we are
free from the worldly systems.

Again, it all comes back to the
fact that we all long for the love that involves a deep sacrifice, the
sacrifice of God’s only Son. It is an innate yearning within us that
rises up. Pay attention to the stirrings within your soul … when you
are feeling that void. People are always doing whatever they can to
stave it off — believers and unbelievers alike. Go to the True Source.
Be looking out for your Romancer. He wants you to seek His face and
love Him for who He is.

Random Questions:

I've been pondering over the following serious and controversial topics all day =). Maybe you can add some insight. Can a man and woman be just friends? What does "friend" mean when you are talking about a friendship with the opposite sex? Why do some married people feel the need to have opposite sex friends? Why do ex-boyfriends always ask if we can be friends? What is a friend? Why do some people remain friends with their ex, even though they know it drives their significant other crazy?

I realized that I don't have any male friends -meaning a male friend that I talk to on the phone and hang out with in the same manner that I hang out with and talk to my female friends. Sure, I have and had male associates, co-workers, classmates, and there are guys I know and may talk to on the phone every now and then, but I don't think we are exactly friends, just associates. I've also had guys play a big brother role, but I don't think we were friends either; rather they just looked after me.

Men who I thought were my friend ended up liking me as more than a friend, and I've also fallen for men who were my friend. I don't feel as though I need male friends. Is that wrong? I would definitely welcome a guy who was more of a big brother, especially when it comes to helping me discern the guys I date. I do feel that the best romantic relationships are just that because they began as solid friendships. So is it wrong to feel that I'd go out of my way to form a solid friendship with a guy in which we both hope it will advance to another level? On the other hand is it wrong to feel that time is too precious to be forming all these deep male friendships when in the end I know I'll drop them when I get married? I mean I don't think hubby would be cool John Doe calling all the time, unless John Doe was his friend too. Just thinking....

All of this came about because my grandmother is harassing me. The phone conversations usually go like this:
Grandma: So you're going to be 26 soon. I'm so proud of you. You are growing up! Are you dating anyone?
Me: Thanks, I'm proud of you too. No, I'm not dating anyone.
Grandma: There has got to be someone.
Me: No Grandma, there isn't anyone.
Grandma: You can tell me. I know there is someone.
Me: No Grandma, there isn't anyone.
Grandma: I know someone is looking at you. Do you talk to any young fellows? Do you got to any dances? (Who still has dances?).
Me: Not really, I guess most of my friends are women.
Grandma: What you mean you don't have any male friends?
Me: I guess I just don't.
Grandma: Are you interested in boys....I mean do you want male friends.
Me: Yes, grandma. I'm interested in boys. I'm just really working on getting my life together so I can be a better woman, girlfriend, and wife. I'm really making sure I'm straight with God and in His purpose for my life.
Grandma: How long is that going to take? Are there any nice boys at your church? Do me a favor, just find a male friend.

Seriously people. Just pray that my grandmother calms down =).

Love ya,
Z

That Thing..................

Think about that thing you do that you know you're not supposed to do, but you do it anyway. Think about that thing that you know you need to do, but you just can't get around to doing it. You know that if you could just stop doing that thing or start doing that thing that you would reap so many blessings, but you just choose not to do it. Every time you do it or fail to do it, you feel a conviction in your heart. You do this thing even though after the fact you wish you wouldn't do it anymore. Sometimes you don't even know why you do it. Or you know you need to do this thing and you don't even know why you can't get started.

Many of us know that we need to stop telling lies, cheating, cursing, gossiping, idolizing money and celebrities, smoking, being a hypocrite, drinking, fornicating, overeating, disrespecting others, overspending, cohabitating, thinking that we're too good, and the list goes on, but we still do it anyway. Many of us know that we need to start sharing, tithing, worshiping God, serving, turning off the televisions and reading, exercising, investing, reading the Word of God, living right, getting our minds right, getting our families right, and educating ourselves, but we fail to make moves in those areas. Sometimes other people tell us we need to do X, Y, Z in order to live our best life ever and walk victoriously, but more often than not God tells us. We just ignore Him, and live our lives without true peace. Claiming we enjoy premarital sex, but then having the baby what would you do if I got pregnant talk with our boyfriends is not peace. Constantly telling lies to make ourselves look better, and then not remembering who we told what lie to is not peace.

My dear, if we just humble ourselves before the Lord and be obedient to His Word, we will be blessed in ways we couldn't even imagine. I don't have the perfect life, and it may seem that so many people in the world have more than me, but I can honestly say that I am reaping the harvest from my obedience to God. Everyday something is revealed to me. I've been blessed everyday since I did the thing God asked me to do. Now of course the more blessing, the more devil, but I'm at a place where I can recognize his attacks and get into Word.

Please read the following scripture carefully. It will change your life, or at least convict us about something we need to do or stop doing..........

Deuteronomy 28

Blessings for Obedience
1 If you fully obey the LORD your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations on earth. 2 All these blessings will come upon you and accompany you if you obey the LORD your God:
3 You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country.
4 The fruit of your womb will be blessed, and the crops of your land and the young of your livestock—the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks.
5 Your basket and your kneading trough will be blessed.
6 You will be blessed when you come in and blessed when you go out.
7 The LORD will grant that the enemies who rise up against you will be defeated before you. They will come at you from one direction but flee from you in seven.
8 The LORD will send a blessing on your barns and on everything you put your hand to. The LORD your God will bless you in the land he is giving you.
9 The LORD will establish you as his holy people, as he promised you on oath, if you keep the commands of the LORD your God and walk in his ways. 10 Then all the peoples on earth will see that you are called by the name of the LORD, and they will fear you. 11 The LORD will grant you abundant prosperity—in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your ground—in the land he swore to your forefathers to give you.
12 The LORD will open the heavens, the storehouse of his bounty, to send rain on your land in season and to bless all the work of your hands. You will lend to many nations but will borrow from none. 13 The LORD will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the LORD your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom. 14 Do not turn aside from any of the commands I give you today, to the right or to the left, following other gods and serving them.

Sometimes we do the things we know we are not supposed to do and wonder why we are not blessed and don't have peace. It's really simple; just follow the Word. We must ask ourselves if doing that thing or not doing that thing would break God's heart. Please allow Him to use you and transform you.

Curses for Disobedience
15 However, if you do not obey the LORD your God and do not carefully follow all his commands and decrees I am giving you today, all these curses will come upon you and overtake you:
16 You will be cursed in the city and cursed in the country.
17 Your basket and your kneading trough will be cursed.
18 The fruit of your womb will be cursed, and the crops of your land, and the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks.
19 You will be cursed when you come in and cursed when you go out.
20 The LORD will send on you curses, confusion and rebuke in everything you put your hand to, until you are destroyed and come to sudden ruin because of the evil you have done in forsaking him. [a] 21 The LORD will plague you with diseases until he has destroyed you from the land you are entering to possess. 22 The LORD will strike you with wasting disease, with fever and inflammation, with scorching heat and drought, with blight and mildew, which will plague you until you perish. 23 The sky over your head will be bronze, the ground beneath you iron. 24 The LORD will turn the rain of your country into dust and powder; it will come down from the skies until you are destroyed.
25 The LORD will cause you to be defeated before your enemies. You will come at them from one direction but flee from them in seven, and you will become a thing of horror to all the kingdoms on earth. 26 Your carcasses will be food for all the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and there will be no one to frighten them away. 27 The LORD will afflict you with the boils of Egypt and with tumors, festering sores and the itch, from which you cannot be cured. 28 The LORD will afflict you with madness, blindness and confusion of mind. 29 At midday you will grope about like a blind man in the dark. You will be unsuccessful in everything you do; day after day you will be oppressed and robbed, with no one to rescue you.
30 You will be pledged to be married to a woman, but another will take her and ravish her. You will build a house, but you will not live in it. You will plant a vineyard, but you will not even begin to enjoy its fruit. 31 Your ox will be slaughtered before your eyes, but you will eat none of it. Your donkey will be forcibly taken from you and will not be returned. Your sheep will be given to your enemies, and no one will rescue them. 32 Your sons and daughters will be given to another nation, and you will wear out your eyes watching for them day after day, powerless to lift a hand. 33 A people that you do not know will eat what your land and labor produce, and you will have nothing but cruel oppression all your days. 34 The sights you see will drive you mad. 35 The LORD will afflict your knees and legs with painful boils that cannot be cured, spreading from the soles of your feet to the top of your head.
36 The LORD will drive you and the king you set over you to a nation unknown to you or your fathers. There you will worship other gods, gods of wood and stone. 37 You will become a thing of horror and an object of scorn and ridicule to all the nations where the LORD will drive you.
38 You will sow much seed in the field but you will harvest little, because locusts will devour it. 39 You will plant vineyards and cultivate them but you will not drink the wine or gather the grapes, because worms will eat them. 40 You will have olive trees throughout your country but you will not use the oil, because the olives will drop off. 41 You will have sons and daughters but you will not keep them, because they will go into captivity. 42 Swarms of locusts will take over all your trees and the crops of your land.
43 The alien who lives among you will rise above you higher and higher, but you will sink lower and lower. 44 He will lend to you, but you will not lend to him. He will be the head, but you will be the tail.
45 All these curses will come upon you. They will pursue you and overtake you until you are destroyed, because you did not obey the LORD your God and observe the commands and decrees he gave you. 46 They will be a sign and a wonder to you and your descendants forever. 47 Because you did not serve the LORD your God joyfully and gladly in the time of prosperity, 48 therefore in hunger and thirst, in nakedness and dire poverty, you will serve the enemies the LORD sends against you. He will put an iron yoke on your neck until he has destroyed you.
49 The LORD will bring a nation against you from far away, from the ends of the earth, like an eagle swooping down, a nation whose language you will not understand, 50 a fierce-looking nation without respect for the old or pity for the young. 51 They will devour the young of your livestock and the crops of your land until you are destroyed. They will leave you no grain, new wine or oil, nor any calves of your herds or lambs of your flocks until you are ruined. 52 They will lay siege to all the cities throughout your land until the high fortified walls in which you trust fall down. They will besiege all the cities throughout the land the LORD your God is giving you.
53 Because of the suffering that your enemy will inflict on you during the siege, you will eat the fruit of the womb, the flesh of the sons and daughters the LORD your God has given you. 54 Even the most gentle and sensitive man among you will have no compassion on his own brother or the wife he loves or his surviving children, 55 and he will not give to one of them any of the flesh of his children that he is eating. It will be all he has left because of the suffering your enemy will inflict on you during the siege of all your cities. 56 The most gentle and sensitive woman among you—so sensitive and gentle that she would not venture to touch the ground with the sole of her foot—will begrudge the husband she loves and her own son or daughter 57 the afterbirth from her womb and the children she bears. For she intends to eat them secretly during the siege and in the distress that your enemy will inflict on you in your cities.
58 If you do not carefully follow all the words of this law, which are written in this book, and do not revere this glorious and awesome name—the LORD your God- 59 the LORD will send fearful plagues on you and your descendants, harsh and prolonged disasters, and severe and lingering illnesses. 60 He will bring upon you all the diseases of Egypt that you dreaded, and they will cling to you. 61 The LORD will also bring on you every kind of sickness and disaster not recorded in this Book of the Law, until you are destroyed. 62 You who were as numerous as the stars in the sky will be left but few in number, because you did not obey the LORD your God. 63 Just as it pleased the LORD to make you prosper and increase in number, so it will please him to ruin and destroy you. You will be uprooted from the land you are entering to possess.
64 Then the LORD will scatter you among all nations, from one end of the earth to the other. There you will worship other gods—gods of wood and stone, which neither you nor your fathers have known. 65 Among those nations you will find no repose, no resting place for the sole of your foot. There the LORD will give you an anxious mind, eyes weary with longing, and a despairing heart. 66 You will live in constant suspense, filled with dread both night and day, never sure of your life. 67 In the morning you will say, "If only it were evening!" and in the evening, "If only it were morning!"-because of the terror that will fill your hearts and the sights that your eyes will see. 68 The LORD will send you back in ships to Egypt on a journey I said you should never make again. There you will offer yourselves for sale to your enemies as male and female slaves, but no one will buy you.

Enough Said!!!

I love you so much!