Thoughts, Thoughts, and More Thoughts...

It's funny how you can be having a great day, but then you just happen to turn on the TV or sign on the Internet and bad news pours into you and shadows that good day you thought you were going to have. You didn't even personally experience the event, but you feel like you did. You just want to leave work, and you don't even know what you will do if you leave, but you just can't focus where you are now. The tragic events at VA Tech have turned my stomach inside out. My heart hurts. Last week the Imus situation troubled me. On Saturday morning I attended a book club meeting with some sisters from my church. We discussed Your Best Life Now by Joel Osteen. We talked about living a life of excellence, speaking life to our children, and living favor minded in addition to other things. As we talked about self-esteem, the issues of colorism in the black community, media depictions of African American women, and the Imus comment arose.

A sister mentioned something that I hadn't considered in relation to living kingdom minded and the Rutger's basketball team. We were talking about how as Christians, we just can't have a bad day and curse someone out. These strong women were persecuted by this man's comment, but were able to handle the situation with class and dignity. They were meek. They didn't become irate on camera or speak words about Imus in the manner that he spoke about them. They didn't disrespect white people. They didn't threaten him. They didn't curse or yell. But they were still able to convey that this is not right and that they were hurt. Because of the way these courageous women handled this situation, the media had no choice but to focus on other things, such as hip hop music. They met with Imus in private. These women didn't give the media the circus show they wanted, and as a result they made this situation less dramatic. I commend them for that. They showed us that they are women, and they made Imus look worse.

As far as colorsim, my heart felt for my sisters and brothers who have been persecuted because of their complexion, whether they were considered too dark or too light. My experience is a little different than most people of African descent in America. I am light- skinned, but I wasn't favored because of my light skin as a child or teenager. I went to predominately white private schools, where there were no more than four black people in a grade. My schools were racist, so I was taunted and harassed by whites just as much as my darker- skinned friends, simply because I was black. They didn't see me as light skinned, just black. To this day, I do not feel favored by whites, and God really had to rid me of thinking that all white people were going to hurt me like my classmates did. My mother's side of the family has people who have passed for white and they do not keep in touch with the family. I have a cousin my age who is living as a white woman. That's crazy. However, the people who haven't passed all married dark-skinned people, so my family is a blend of complexions and no treats anyone differently. Sometimes my siblings tell me I'm adopted, because they are darker than me, but that's about it.

However, upon attending an HBCU, I began to realize that black people, not white people, were now treating me differently because of my complexion. I remember sitting in the cafeteria and a guy walked up to me and said you know I hate light skinned people. I think you all look like pee. I was shocked. Later I would learn about the pain of my darker -skinned sisters, that some men and professors liked me because I was light- skinned, that some people didn't like me because I was light- skinned, that some people thought that because I was light- skinned that I was a certain way, and that colorism is real. Growing up, I only new of light-skinned and dark-skinned. Then I moved to North Carolina and learned all these new terms "light-skinned", "brown- skinned", "yellow", "red-boned", "chocolate", "light-brown", "caramel", "midnight", "honey"... the list goes on. Last week a friend of mine said that she feels like black women are at the bottom, not even our men want us. She said even if you are light skinned, you are no good if you have to wrap your hair at night. My brothers, I hope that's not true. I guess we all have preferences, but our preferences shouldn't be embedded in internalized oppression. For example, I'm not going to marry a guy with good hair just so my daughter can have good hair. I used to only be attracted to dark-skinned men. Now I'm open to all complexions. Perhaps I feared that if I married a light skinned man that my child would be too light. That's stupid.

On Friday night I saw the Evening At Egypt exhibit at the NC Museum of Art. I was amazed at how intricate the artwork was considering they did not have today's technology. I loved how the royal women carried themselves. There were a few greats, but there wasn't anything from headliners like Ramses or Cleopatra. I guess they only do big city things =). It's so tragic how the Egyptians were light years ahead of the Greeks and Romans, but the Greeks and Romans get credit for everything.

God is just too Good. Wow! I'm living proof that when you let him lead your life that you are transformed in ways you never thought you would be. When you call, he'll answer, and if he doesn't do it right away it's usually because he's developing something in you. If he doesn't do it at all it's because he knows you better than you know yourself. Amen!!! I'm so glad that he didn't give me some of the things I asked for. If adversity comes your way, don't let it break you. Push through and keep focused on the Lord. New level, new devil and you've got to fight. We all have adversity that can break us. For some of us it's a failed relationship, death of a loved one, loss of a job, illness, accident, or someone does us wrong. I'm seeing so many things about my life. My parents divorce and lack of a father's love and attention was supposed to break me in the devils plan. The enemy wanted me to be one of those girls who is out there, dates older men or men for attention, is a man hater, doesn't trust, can't love, and is just wrong. We see that happen to so many young women in the same situation. But I was able to push through, forgive, love, and encourage other young women who experienced the same thing. I didn't crumble. We also see our brothers failing because there was no father figure. I let the Lord in to heal any hurts and my testimony is that I don't feel like I grew up in a single parent home. What the enemy wanted to destroy, faith in God led to victory. Almost two years ago I was in a horrible car accident and I went from unbearable pain and not walking to wheel chair and walker to crutch to cane to not walking that well to walking but getting fatigue to walking, but can't run or jump. Now I'm running, jumping, and wearing heels! In October, a credit card balance was paid. Let's just say I didn't pay it and neither did my mother (I thought she suprised me, but it wasn't her). Before that, I was told that in order to have children that I would have to take some type of hormones to induce ovulation when I wanted to have children. Let's just say that's not a problem anymore (Sorry men if that's TMI). These small testimonies arn't including the things that he protected me from that I don't know even know about or all the grace and favor he has given me. I was afraid to fail, but now I'm speaking things into existence like crazy and could care less if they didn't happen. Some people say all this is coincidence or luck. I say it's God. This is why I can't waiver on my beliefs. This is why I love praise and worship. This is why I don't fool with foolishness. This is why I feel more beautiful than ever. This is why I can cry when God is referred to as a healer, provider, and father. This is why I can't do anything to mess up my witness. I've come to far to turn back. If he's done this so far, I can't wait to see what's next. I'm going through an interesting period in my walk; it's a waiting period. Patience is being built like never before. But if I'm not careful the devil can use this period to push in doubt. I've come too far to fall now. I'm pushing through, even if it takes years for these things to pass.

Last night I was talking to a friend and we decided to go to the Word for encouragement. Mind you four years ago she and I would have not opened up a bible on the phone for encouragment through a tough time. After we located and read scripture related to the event, a calmness came. This conversation began with tears and ended with a burden being lifted and a soul restored. What the enemy was using to destroy, God used for victory. God is just too Good!!!

I love you!!