For a time such as this...

It's been a while since I've written from my heart. I suppose that much of it has to do with the fact that lately I've been feeling like I have nothing to say. It's as if I've been silenced. My heart wants to speak, but nothing comes out of my mouth. It's even taking a lot to write this. This started happening last month. I can't really explain it. I asked God to humble me and to increase wisdom, grace, meekness, and patience. I beleive He's doing and did just that for a time such as this.

This week I feel like I'm in the fight of my life for my life as I am trying to make a career change. There have been many random occurences in the form of negative people, making negative comments, and doing negative things. My heart feels heavy, but I haven't said anything or reacted negatively. God silenced me for a time such as this so I would just smile and let things go in one ear and out the other. He also silenced me so that I wouldn't become upset or call home for money when an unexpected financial matter arose. Instead He urged me to give, even when I didn't really have it and to sit still. The money was returned to me in a check a family member sent just because. Call me crazy, but everyday when I go to my mailbox, I beleive that there's a check in there for me with a note that says,"just because." Last year, I started believing for a random check in the mail for a million dollars, but then I realized that I need a check for billions of dollars to help and bless people the way I want to. So I now beleive for billions. A million would barely be enough for me =).

Every time I try to go to another level in life or make an important change, negative things start to occur, usually the week before. It's usually an illness, cold, or family drama, but this time it's been people and distractions. The great thing is that I'm aware of this pattern, so I"m able to walk through it already knowing why this happens. I knew this week would be weird, so I prayed about it beforehand. I'm able to stand, because I'm sure of the things hoped for and are not yet seen.

In addition to trying to make a career change, I'm also about to end a six month spiritual fast on June 13. The fast is centered around Knight In Shining Armor by Christian author P. Bunny Wilson. It's not one of those how to get a man books; rather it's more about surrendering to God, being intimate with Him, healing past wounds, how we want the Lord to view us, and living in excellence. The author stresses the importance of taking care of those things before one gets married, and she also discusses questions to consider when choosing a mate. During the 6 months the reader must abstain from dating, courting, and "talking to" guys, so that she can focus on the Lord's will for her life and get her life in order. My life has changed dramatically. In December, I started with a list of things that I wanted to change during the 6 months. All but one are are checked off. Yeah!!!! The other is on it's way. I haven't been on a date during this time, and I was able to cut ties with guys who weren't husband material (at least not for me). It was not lonely at all, and the quiet times really allowed me to find clarity about the direction of my life. I highly recommend this book. I'm excited about reaching this milestone, so of course the devil is going to try to trip me up before I get there. The saying new level, new devil is so true.

So although things are a little hazy, I stand because I'm sure of the things hoped for and are not yet seen.

Speaking of dating...I've been silent in that area too, and God is doing something different. I'm honest about this....Before I was saved, I would meet a guy, and we would go on a date. Before the date, there was usually a phone conversation in which the basics were discussed (where are you from, what do you do, are you married =), etc). Notice that God was not discussed, and the highlight was what he did for a living (so sad, I know). I confess that after the first phone call, I would be planning out my future with this guy. Seriously, I would think, "OK, he does x, y, and z, so he probably makes this amount, which means I could stay home after the children come, or I couldn't stay home when the children come, or maybe I'll be able to work part time. In my mind I had a picture of what life would be like with this guy. I'd tell my friends about my new excitement. Then during the first date, I would be so dissappointed that the guy I made him to be in my head, was not the guy presented before me. On top of that, I had to go back to my friends and tell them why he wasn't the one. What a mess.

Some people were trying to play matchmaker. I don't have any updates on that, but I realized how much I grew in that area. I realized that God silenced me for a time such as this. I didn't get overly excited and go into girlish romantic thoughts about the future. I didn't have much to say. God is doing this so my thoughts and expectations won't get ahead of me in my future dealings with guys, and so that I can see them for who they really are. His relationship with God and others has replaced the rank of what he does for a living. Lord, forgive me for being so shallow. Thank you for fixing that in my life. I"ve also fallen in love with the Lord, and I love myself.

Love and Be loved,

Z